5 Core Steps to Live a Happy Life
Identify and be cautious of those who take away from and drain your bucket. ~ Dave DarbySocially we have been conditioned to seek validation from our family. We have been taught to believe that our parents are the only ones who ever HAVE to love us because we are an extension of THEM. So loving us, is in turn, loving a part of THEM. When we are void of that love, it haunts us because when we don’t have the love of the ones who are MOST likely to love us. We keep thinking that to some degree they HAVE to love us even if a little. When they don't it is easy for society and for us to wonder "Who ELSE could love and support me then if my own parents could or would not?” Have you felt the same about your parents, siblings or other close people around you? Do you also seek and chase approval from people who themselves are struggling and only focused on their own needs and lens of life? There is a deep pain that keeps people to continue seeking validation even from sources that bring pain and rejection. Upon trials of being accepted and throwing oneself out of the boat, people experience even more rejection and pain. Stop for a minute to think about needs. What are your validation needs? What is it that you seek in the approval of those around you? Why do you seek it and are you seeking it from the right group? Re-evaluate your source of Support and seek two to four people who are Balanced and can offer you Validated Support to be the ones to Support you and your Identity. If you are seeking validation from only one person or a large group, you will be prone to struggling with Identity Gaps and fall into Survival. Learn how to evaluate your Support further and improve relationships to make sure, that you are surrounding yourself with validators who bring value to your life. Seek productive validation and value for your needs instead of chasing either perceived or wishful validation which just turns out to be noise. [/stepbystep-item] [stepbystep-item step=4 title=" Surround Yourself with Happy People "] It can be and is challenging to break away from validation and Support that we have strong emotional ties with. When confused and caught up in noise, challenge yourself to review the fruits that are around you. Ask yourself which real fruits are around you. Do you see any? Are you happy and are your Identities being Supported? Is the group that you seek validation from, people who have your needs in mind or they own? If it is their own, then they are most likely to preserve their own values and their own Identities. If you try to break away from their manipulations and they make comments about you, expect this to be a drain. Keep in mind, though, when people are tightly held to their own beliefs the comments they make are NOT a reflection on you but a reflection on who THEY are. For this reason, use the lens of the AHON to help you understand them and why it is they react the way they do. Then focus on your own Identity needs using the help of your Validated Support. [/stepbystep-item] [stepbystep-item step=5 title=" Reciprocate the Happiness You Receive "] Once you have identified two to four people in your circle who can offer Validated Support, think about the Validated Support that you can give them too. Remember, we get what we want when we help others get what they want. In this case, you will receive the Validated Support that you need once you invest and offer the same to others. Offer praises to those who have earned your trust and Validation and even praise or impact those who may not be part of your Validated Support, but note that this does not mean unlimited Support or availability to Emotional Support as that will be pursuing noise. As you give validation, keep in mind that there are two ways that people validate others: either validating their task and efforts (example: you did an awesome job with the cleaning, bravo on the organization and planning ) or it could be validating a person (example: you are such a special person, bravo Sue you are awesome) Think about the praises and validation that others offer you. Are they praising what you did or you as a person? Which one do you appreciate more? Now turn it around and think about the validation and praises that YOU offer others. Do you focus on them or what they did? And which responses do you get from them? Both kinds of validation add value, but be sure to make time to validate a person as that is the type of validation that creates more impact in making people feel loved and Supported because it is the highest form of validation that people receive. Helpful Tip: when working to retrain and recondition those around you, do the opposite. Correct and focus on what they do (the behavior, choices, and consequences it breeds) instead of focusing on them as people because it eliminates the effect of feeling attacked or feeling not worthy as a person. This will help separate themselves from a feeling of failure and inspire them to change their choices in order to adapt. [/stepbystep-item]
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